AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

You might be a 21 series or an Army Engineer Pagan when...

1. You use Surveyors to mark out your corners and to make level
2. You use a scraper to cast your circle
3. You use a bobcat for an alter
4. You use Engineer Tape to draw your pentacle
5. You use Male and Female ends for teh God and Goddess symbles
6. You use Dozer for earth, Compressor for Air, Det cord w/o primer (you know soldiers) for fire, A piece of a ribbon bridge for water.
7. Your Wiccan name concretia, anything starting with ply, or use the same demsions you would for wood ie. "Hi I'm 38"x68"x10"
8. You use a screwdriver for an Atheme and you know this size just by looking at it.
9. You used the finishing broom as your Besom from the Mason Kit.
10. You know that your cirle is exactly 15' in diameter... see number one.
11. You use a nail gun for banishing spell and if that isn't good enouph you use a Vib Roller
12. You use an O2 Tank for smudgeing
13. When your brazing dish is C-4
14. You use 3" Rebar as your staff
15. You use a blow torch to light your incense... or well um you don't have incense you use saw dust.
16. Your book of Shadows has several sets of blue prints on how to set up a circle to include a topographic map.
17. The name of your God and Goddess is Cut and Fill (you figure it out)
18. You use your wets suit, life jacket, or coveralls for your robes.
19. You wear your toolbelt to rituals and instead of tools you would have easy access to your ritual items.
20. To close the circle you would have Primed Det cord (in the hands of responsible adult... ie the Priestess).
21. OH ya your familiar... A brand new baby engineer butter bar... damn just over it with the vib roller... again.

Well, not really Pagan, but so many of us are owned by Cats.....

So this Southern Belle takes a trip to New York City and stays a week. When she comes back, all her friends gather around her in her bedroom and listen to her tell them about the trip.

"Well," she says, "did you all know, that up there in New York City, there are men that kiss other men?"

"Oh really?" gasp her remarkably sheltered friends.

"Oh yes," she says, "and they call them 'homosexuals'." Her friends all nod.

"And did you know," she says, "that up there in New York City, they have women who kiss other women?"

"Oh really?" gasp all of her unbelieveably sheltered friends.

"Yes, and they call those women 'lesbians'." Her friends all nod, wide-eyed and speechless.

"And did you know, that up there in New York City, there are men that put there tongues in a woman's private parts?"

"Oh really?" squeal her extremely sheltered and unexperienced friends.

"What do they call them?" they all ask in unison.

1. Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.
2. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
3. Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.
4. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.
5. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.
6. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.
7. Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.
8. Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven.
9. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
10. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".
11. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.
12. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".
13. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.

13. I live for persecution!
12. I'm a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you comeback...
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
1. BELTANE!!!

1. MM = Merry Meet
2. Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons
3. Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related

4. Associations with the colors:
Red = South
Green = West
Dark Brown = North
Yellow = East
Orange = For the Solar God
Light Brown = For the Earth Mother

5. Rotate the M & M:
M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven
3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon
W = Witchcraft, Wiccan
E = Enlightenment

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the theological giant's stranglehold on the religion industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district judge ruled Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to be broken up into several less powerful deities.

"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity known as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other deities and demigods, promoting His worship with such unfair scare tactics as threatening non-believers with eternal damnation," wrote District Judge Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. "In the process, He has carved out for Himself an illegal monotheopoly."

The ritual feast is puréed.
Last Beltane the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
Viagra is kept in the coven supplies
The maiden of the coven is a grandmother
The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators
The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon
When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset
It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron
The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon
You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual

Added by Jilda on May 8th:

Q Why do witches ride naked on brooms?
A To get a better grip

Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit

Q: What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A: They worship the ground you walk on.

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor

Q: Why do witches use Brooms?
A: Because nature abhors a vacuum.

Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A: A Self-Cleaning Coven

Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.
"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says.
"Ha! you are a fraud!", says the man, " I happen to be the father of 3 children!"
"That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

written by John Shepard

Materials required: On the altar there are brown candles; a Tootsie Roll (the great big one-as the athame); a large glass with milk in it, (the chalice); a small dish of Nestlé's Quick and a spoon; a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE: (Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles) Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last. Let no fat adhere to me And as I will So Mote It BE! Nestlé's Quick where thou art cast Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let all good things come to me, and make my milk all chocolaty!

CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll): CALL THE QUARTERS: Mousse of the East, Fluffy one! great prince of the palace of dessert. Be present, we pray thee, And guard this circle from all moochers Approaching from the East. Fondue of the South, Molten One! Great prince of the palace decadence. Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diet Approaching from the South. Cocoa of the West, Satisfying One! Great prince of the palace of thirst. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all carob Approaching from the West. Rocky Road of the North, Cold One! Great prince of the palace of crunchy. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all cheap imitations Approaching from the North.

1. It assures that your ex's (as in friends, lovers, enemies, clients, associates, etc) don't float too far astray. Great for stalkers, obsessive/possessive types, and clingers to the past. How else would we all stay connected despite our egotistical attempts to cut ties forever? Just a sweet celestial reminder that we are all in this glorious cesspool called life.

2. Potential to save money on your mobile bill. Why waste your minutes when everyone will mistranslate your every word anyway? (Not to mention the odds that your reception will utterly suck.)

3. You can finally clean out your closets and get rid of the useless crap that you purchased in grave error during the last MR.

4. If you have some issues with focus and finish, MR is a golden opportunity to pick up your myriad piles of unfinished projects and finally make a dent, and maybe even finish. However, it is not advisable to start any new projects unless you want to wait until the next MR to revamp the whole thing.

5. It's your cosmic license to rest, relax, read, re-group. You know, get off the treadmill of life for a few weeks. Who doesn't need a mental vacay now and then? Mercury knows what he's doing....that little smarty pants planet of practical jokes.

1. You think caffeine and cigarettes make a full meal.
2. You cast a circle that stays up for several days and covers 15 to 100 acres of land.
3. When at Closing ritual you are softly mumbling "Yes, it was great. Now everyone go home for six months."
4. When you really, really, really do try to get four hours of sleep once a day.
5. When a radio with an ear-piece is considered standard ritual attire.

1. When you use a flame-thrower to light the altar candles.
2. When your athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16.
3. When your robe is made of camouflage material.
4. When your cakes & wine come from MRE's.
5. When your book of shadows contains plans on defusing bombs, poison antidotes and basic survival techniques.
6. When your circle is marked by barb-wire.
7. When you have to ride an ATV or HumVee to get to the Covenstead.
8. When you use an artillery shell casing for your God symbol.
9. When you take down a tent to move the Covenstead.
10. When your familiar is either a Doberman, Rottweiler or German Shepherd.

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5.Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT ??

Don't upset me!! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.....

Of course I don't look busy......I did it right the first time !!!!

All stressed out and no one to CHOKE......

I sleep with my Teddy Bear, I know where he's been

Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over ......

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

Safe Witch Kit
Want to be a Witch, yet don't want dangerous items in your home? We've
assembled this comprehensive kit to meet the beginning Witch's needs, without
compromising safety.

Written by Dianne and the PhoenixFestivals Staff

NARRATOR: Scene 1 Arthur and The Black Knight
Arthur circles outside of ritual circle to entrance - East - stops in front of BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
[pause]
Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must enter this circle.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as Queen of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: How did a woman become named Arthur?
Arthur: It came with the title.
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man er...woman.
ARTHUR: But you have no arms!
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arms are gone!
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony. Look, I'll have your legs. Right!
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.... I'll bite your legs off!


Narrator: Scene 2 Peasants at Fire
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
Man: Man!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. Whose circle is this?
Man: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
Man: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked--
Man: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM queen...
Man: Oh queen, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! ....If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, Queen of the Pagans. Who's circle is this?
WOMAN: Queen of the who?
ARTHUR: The Pagans.
WOMAN: Who are the Pagans?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Pagans and I am your queen.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a queen. I thought we were an autonomous coven.
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Whose circle is this?

*CIRCLE SETUP*
Bill the Cat altar in the center of the circle or near fire pit.
At the west place a partially full bottle or can of beer (the worst you can find, enough to anoint your initiates). At the north place an ashtray filled with sand. Near the altar place a spittoon (optional).

*ALTAR SETUP*
Bill the Cat icon, statue or image
Cigarettes and lighter
Lit candles
Several unopened bottles or cans of beer, Mountain Dew, Jolt cola, Pepsi Free or purple flavorored anything (or diet chocolate fudge soda)
Mayonnaise mixed with tuna juice or peanut butter (optional)
Brazier with charcoal
Catnip (for incense)
Plate of Goldfish Crackers in cat food bowl
Kitty Litter or Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer

Man said, "Goddess, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And the Goddess said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever, who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be at times, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

Designated Virgin Rule

Sometimes you just need a virgin to sacrifice. But virgins are getting very hard to find in the pagan community. What are you going to do? I think I've come up with a solution to this age old problem. It also takes the concept of recycling to its natural conclusion. I call this "solution" the "Designated Virgin Rule"

Come, kinderlech, come, nosh a bissel, sit and listen to your Mama, She Who Knows Best--what do you mean, why do I know best? Because I'm your mother, that's why! Now sit and listen, after all the aggravation I've had with you! Oy! But you're a good kid, so I don't mind all the tsoris. Of course, it would help if you were going to school for a real degree...

Oy, what was I going to say? You made me lose track. Oh yes...Sit and listen to your Mama, who has been known by many names, oy, so many names, if I sat here and listed them all, we'd be here all day, so I won't bother you; after all, why should a mother ever bother her children?

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.) I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill." I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

* Aries: I don't brake for anyone, so get out of my way!

* Taurus: I'd rather be braking.

* Gemini: I brake to change the radio station while talking on my cell phone.

* Cancer: I brake for yard sales and open houses.

* Leo: Hey! Give me a brake!

* Virgo: I brake to check and see if my brakes are working.

You Might be Pagan If...
1. When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire. . .
2. You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying. . .
3. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?" . . .
4. You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it. . .
5. You have an entire spice cabinet. . . and you don't cook. . .
6. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing. . .

ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 20) Aggressive is one word for it, but domineering, overbearing and arrogant are other words that can describe Aries the Ram. Aries are about a subtle as a falling anvil and will think nothing of bellowing their opinions like mantras. Aries’ idea of parity is when they get 99% of the spoils. In war, they are not only vicious fighters, they are also the profiteers and opportunists. Those born under the sign of Aries include: Pat Robertson (March 22), Lucrezia Borgia (April 19), Adolph Hitler (April 20).

TAURUS (APRIL 21 - MAY 21) Astrology books say they are persevering but that’s just another word for too darn stubborn. Taureans are slow to catch on, conservative to the point of reactionary and appallingly gluttonous. There’s no stopping them once they’ve made their mind made up. Unfortunately, it takes them so long to make up their mind, the opportunity is often stale news. Those born under the sign of Taurus include: Lenin (April 22), Saddam Hussein (April 28), Eva Peron (May 7), Jim Jones (May 13).

WWAD? Artemis Turn him into a stag to be ripped to shreds by his own barking
hounds.
WWAD? Athena Stare him down, then beat the crap out of him — in a most logical
manner.
WWAD? Apollo Test their musical skills — in a fair contest.
WWAD? Aphrodite Don't you mean "who" would Aphrodite do?
WWAD? Astarte Make love AND war.
WWBD? Bacchus Get them drunk, then turn them into dolphins.
WWBD? Britannia Rule!
WWBD? Buddha Does it matter? If you're enlightened, it doesn't. If you're not
enlightened, it still doesn't.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. Get the Hell away from there!!!
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Not funny.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who
speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

Tune: "Beverly Hillbillies" By L.Flatt & E. Scruggs Lyrical Adaptation by Hare

Now listen to the words of the Great Star Mother, In days long past called by one name or t'other, "I am your Mammy, Queen of Earth, Air, Fire, Sea, So you better quit your yappin' an' listen to me."

[Isis that is, Astarte, Cerridwen]

THE (Tastefull) CHARGE OF THE GODDESS
as recited in the circles of the CRAFT OF THE NON-ICKY

Listen to the words of the Tasteful Mother, who of old was called Martha Stewart, Betty Crocker, Miss Manners, and by many other really nice names.

Whenever you have need of anything, once in the month (but not *that* time of the month, as that would be icky) and never with your mouth full you should assemble in some tasteful place and adore My spirit, I who am Queen of All Plastic Slipcovers. You should not be icky in your rites, and as a sign that you be not icky, you shall damn well keep your clothes on.

You call your corners on a cellular phone .
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard .
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa .
You use a remote control in place of an athame .
You download your book of shadows.
You cast your circle in a chat room .
Your familiar is a mouse .
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer .

Many pagans have never been in the woods and done some camping, so we offer this article to prepare you for the festival experience:
Yes, they moan and they groan a lot. They have big gnarly trunks, long arms, and are huge, but don't be afraid!!!! They are called "Trees" and they won't hurt you.

Bright-Eyed Novice- You just read this cool book about a religion where there is a *Goddess* and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
Grand Old Wo/Man- Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen! One to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.

Q: How many years does it take a Druid to change a light bulb?
21, unless you're Irish.